When I look in the mirror, what do I see?
Initially, I saw a stranger. Who was this person looking back at me? They looked sad, broken and defeated. They had a stoma attached to their body. The person in the mirror was no longer me.
I hated looking in the mirror. I hated what had happened to my body. I hated who my disease had made me become. For months, I avoided looking in the mirror. As time went on, my body got stronger. I realised that things I thought I’d never be able to do again were beginning to become possible. But mentally I still really struggled.
I was so full of hate for my body, I became so detached from it. Why does my body hate me? Why couldn’t it just work like everyone else’s? This hatred went on for months. Until one day I realised that the rest of my life would be really miserable if I wasn’t able to change this mindset.
Instead of hating my body and what had happened to me, I wrote down all the hurdles my body had faced and overcome for me to still be here. I focused on how well my body had recovered. I focused on the strength it was regaining. And soon enough that reflection in the mirror shifted from a stranger I used to hate, to a home I fully respect and admire.
It wasn’t easy but I’ve managed to build such a positive relationship with my body. I realise that we aren’t working against each other – we are a team. It is my home. That doesn’t mean that I don’t sometimes look in the mirror and wish that a stoma bag wasn’t looking back at me, I’m only human. But I don’t have that internal hatred anymore, I have respect.
This shift in mindset wasn’t something that happened overnight. And it’s definitely not something that could just be ‘fixed’. It is something that I continuously work on. The journey of self love and acceptance is a rollercoaster but the highs most definitely out way the lows.
Starting the conversation
Something that really helped me was talking about my stoma to anyone and everyone. At first, it felt like my stoma was an embarrassing secret, but as soon as I started more conversations about it, it quickly became the norm. This made accepting my body far easier. If the people around me where open and happy to discuss everything with me, maybe this bag attached to my tummy isn’t that bad?
Sharing with the world
5 months after surgery, I decided to post a picture on my social media of my stoma bag. I was terrified. But wow, the love and admiration I received was out of this world. I couldn’t believe all the lovely things people were saying. ‘Strong’, ‘brave’, ‘beautiful’ – these were words that people were using. I would have never initially described my new body as beautiful. But, if other people were seeing it, why wasn’t I?
Being honest and raw
Most days I find my stoma easy to manage and I am ok with what has happened – these days are easy to share on social media. Other days, I can’t comprehend what has happened and why – these days are more tricky to share. But I share both. I’ve come to realise that everybody struggles occasionally and connecting with others helps me realise that I am not alone. Hearing that other people struggle some days to look in the mirror makes me realise that it is ok to have down days.
Positive affirmations
I never really used to ‘believe’ in the power of speaking nicely to yourself. It makes me really sad to reflect on some of the thoughts I had about my body. They were so negative and full of hate. One day, I popped a photo of me as a child on my mirror. I had read online that you wouldn’t talk to younger you like that, so why are you thinking those thoughts about yourself now. I realised that younger me would’ve been so proud. I began to love my body more for enabling me to still be here and able to enjoy life.
Self-care
I ensure that every week, if not everyday – I dedicate time for myself. I love doing my skin care and taking care of my body. I love exercising, and keeping fit and healthy. I have made these things a priority now. Making sure I have time to look after me. Life is busy, I get that, but sometimes it is ok to be selfish and put yourself first.
The road of recovery isn’t easy – and it’s not something I believe will ever end. I think it is a continuous journey, that will have hurdles along the way. Body confidence for me is not something that can be ‘fixed’. It’s something that I work hard on. I work hard to have a positive relationship with my body and respect everything it’s been through. Just remember, your body is your home – be kind to it. Be kind to yourself.
