Let’s face it, any close relationship requires work to build and maintain it. Experts acknowledge that all relationships will face challenges, difficulties and hardships but having the right attitude, values and realistic expectations nothing is impossible. But the challenges facing a new ostomate, their families, friends and partners can be incredibly daunting. Body confidence is probably the biggest hurdle to get over after stoma surgery. You may have worries about what your stoma will look like, what wearing a bag will look like, how your clothes look over your bag and whether everyone you meet will realise you have a stoma… and there are emotional challenges as well as the physical ones.
Potential challenges
- Will I still be attractive? Of course! Your stoma is discreet and although you will have to go to the toilet differently, you will still look exactly the same as before. The appliances are designed to be smooth and sleek so that it’s unlikely they’ll be obvious under your clothes, so no one needs to know anything unless you choose to tell them.
- Should I tell my new partner about my stoma? Definitely, but when is entirely up to you. You’ll know when the time is right, but it would be the best idea to let him/her know before you engage in any intimacy as it’s far less awkward, and there won’t be any shocks if you’ve been honest from the outset. Perhaps you could introduce it in a casual way, no dramas, just explain why you have a stoma and keep it light-hearted.
- Will I be able to have sex? Yes, you will be able to have a full and happy sex life although you might need to make certain adjustments and find ways to be less self-conscious and more comfortable. There is plenty of advice out there online from our ambassadors, both male and female, who have shared advice based on their own experience.
- Will my current relationship suffer as a result of my stoma? There’s no reason why it should. If your partner has shared your illness, your diagnosis and your treatment along the way, he/she will understand why this surgery is a life-saving and accept your stoma. At the end of the day, the reason they fell in love with you in the first place will still stand, and as partners you can find a way to accept and be thankful. Yes, there will have to be some adaptions or compromises, and a lot of understanding, but if the relationship is strong you will work through the challenges.
Tips to meet and overcome the challenges
The key values in any relationship are the same and can be summed up in these terms: respect, communication, truth and trust. There are more values that I could add to the list but for the purposes of this blog, these four are the most pertinent in my opinion. Let’s look at each of the above in turn:
- Will I still be attractive? One of the most important aspects of a relationship is getting to know and respect yourself first. Think about what you are good at, what people like about you, what makes you happy and fulfilled. This is what makes you you. Of course there are things that you won’t like about yourself, but this also contributes to who you are; that also applies to your family members, friends, acquaintances and any prospective partner. You are attractive because of your personality, your temperament, your sense of humour and how you communicate these things. Physical appearance is also a key factor, but unless you tell people about your stoma, there’s no reason they need to know until such time as you’re ready or comfortable to tell them.
- Should I tell my new partner about my stoma? When your relationship has reached the stage where you are looking to have a deeper and more intimate relationship with someone, you have little choice but to tell them. Honest communication is the only way forward. If you are meant to be with this person they are entitled to know the truth and then be able to ask any questions, and you should feel able to answer honestly. When trust is built, there is less anxiety for sure and your relationship can move forward.
- Will I be able to have sex? Absolutely, but there are a few things to consider. Firstly, it’s not something you should rush into after surgery, and you may well not even want to. Everyone is an individual and whatever approach you take to resuming intimacy is your personal journey. Body image can be a huge hurdle; there may also be post-op pain and discomfort to deal with, and general anxiety about whether or not it can or will ‘happen’. Communication is vital – just take small steps. If you are finding it difficult to talk with your partner, your stoma nurse will be able to help you so please don’t give up. There are practical things you could try such as using a bag that folds up to be more discreet, wearing a wrap or specialist underwear may help. When you are in a place where you trust each other and respect each other, there is no reason why you can not enjoy sex once again.
- Will my current relationship suffer as a result of my stoma? There is no definitive answer to this but I would suspect that if your relationship suffers or even ends, it won’t be simply because of your stoma. If your partner has shared your journey through illness, treatment and ultimately your surgery and you have been able to have important honest conversations throughout, that is such a positive thing. It is a good idea to include your partner in any meetings you have with your stoma nurse who will be there to help both of you come to terms with the process and the recovery. If your relationship is in difficulty, you must talk to someone; your partner first and foremost, but your stoma nurse or other professional who can help you find a way through it. Mutual respect, clear communication, absolute truth and trust is crucial. If the relationship stumbles or falls, it is not always fair to blame your stoma surgery – maybe it’s just not the right relationship.
In my experience, having a stoma vastly improves your life. If you take things slowly, be open an honest with those around you, continue to love yourself as a person (stoma and all), you are doing everything right. Life is for living, and your stoma is there to help you do that. My philosophy is to get out there and live life to the full and embrace the opportunities your stoma life can give you.
