A quote that I live by: ‘Recovery is not linear.’
When I left hospital, I was broken. I was a shell of my former self and I couldn’t see how I would ever get back to being ‘me’. I was in such a dark place and consumed by dark thoughts, I actually started to dislike myself. I was so sad, so angry, so full of hate. Who had I become?
I feel like I spent the first 6 months after surgery as a really negative version of myself. I envied my friends and felt really angry at them and their ability to carry on with life as normal. Why couldn’t I just do that? Would I ever be able to do that? I started to hate myself for how I felt.
Looking back now I realise that all these feelings are valid. Stoma surgery is huge life changing surgery and I can’t believe how little time I expected myself to bounce back.
My physical health improved far quicker than my mental health. I felt stronger and more able to complete physical tasks, but inside my mind there was a block. There wasn’t a day that passed where I didn’t break down and cry. Until one day, where I feel like something clicked. My mind shift changed and I realised, my stoma had the ability to make or break me. I could spend the rest of my life being sad about it, or I could just get on with it. It wasn’t that I didn’t allow myself to cry anymore, but instead I implemented things into my life to reduce the tears.
Here are some of the main things that helped me rebuild my self-esteem after stoma surgery:
Talking – I didn’t realise how powerful it was to open up and talk about how I was feeling. I used to talk through my hospital experience a lot with my family – this would help me accept what had happened and it made me feel they understood what I had been through. These conversations made me feel more confident to talk opening about what had happened and allowed me to feel in control when having similar conversations with other people. I have now realised that talking things through is my way of dealing with things, that is what allows my mind to process emotions.
Exercise – I always knew how important it was to exercise to keep your body healthy, but I never quite understood how beneficial it is to keep your mind healthy. Very soon after surgery, I started to go swimming – I thought this would be good as it was a low impact sport. The swimming really helped me slowly build back muscle without any strains on my tummy. But it was the mental side of swimming that benefitted me the most. Changing into my swimsuit in front of others, walking out onto poolside, allowing my bag to fill up whilst wearing just a swimsuit. At first, I was highly embarrassed of anyone seeing my stoma, I would watch each and everyone in the pool and felt like they were all staring at me. After time, I became proud of my stoma and I actually wanted people to notice.
I also started going to the gym and lifting weights. I became really happy with how my body was feeling. Before surgery, I was really over aware of fitting into the social norms and having a ‘skinny body’. I no longer feel like that. I have so much respect for my body and everything it’s been through. I focus on becoming strong, not skinny.
Being kind to myself – I always allowed myself to feel what I was feeling. I never got annoyed at myself or tried to shut the feelings down. I allowed myself time, learning to have a new respectful relationship with my body. One thing I did that really helped, was to put a baby picture on my mirror. That way, whenever I looked in the mirror, I didn’t want to think negative thoughts about myself, because I was talking about the young girl in the picture. Younger me, who would be extremely proud of how far I’ve come.
Dedicating time to do things that made me happy – I made sure to prioritise things that made me happy. It wasn’t always extravagant things. It could be simple things like having the time to do my skincare, painting my nails, popping on a layer of fake tan. Things that I could’ve easily skipped, but I prioritised to make myself feel better.
I hope that some of these things can help others on their journey or help them realise that they are not alone and their feelings are valid. My self-esteem wasn’t developed over night; I worked really hard to put myself back together like a puzzle. I’ve learned to love myself again, and you can to.
Love,
Poppy x
@stoma_scene
