A stoma changes nothing
Talking about sex and intimacy is something that often causes awkwardness and maybe some embarrassment at the best of times and when you are given the news you’re going to have to live with a stoma, you face more awkwardness and want answers to more questions.
I accept that for me, being in a loving relationship where my wife has gone through my UC journey with me, seen me in my darkest moments and coped with my illness and operation alongside me, resuming intimacy wasn’t something I was nervous about. To be honest, it wasn’t that long after my operation before we resumed our marital relations and any doubts about being able to “do it” were completely and utterly buried. Obviously we were conscious that there was this physical ‘obstacle’ on my abdomen that we had to be mindful of, but it really was no big deal and has never held us back.
I have to be completely honest, there was one occasion when my bag did become detached during lovemaking- but we just accepted it as one of those things and laughed it off so to speak. It didn’t deter us and we were just more aware of that possibility in future. At the end of the day having a stoma should not make you feel inhibited or that having a loving, sexual relationship isn’t possible for you. There a few things you could do to make things more comfortable physically as well as make you feel more secure psychologically, should you feel it would help.
My top tips are:
- There’s nothing to stop you wearing a t-shirt or a vest-type t-shirt if you feel you want to cover up your bag. It really doesn’t get in the way and provides that extra bit of security.
- You could wear some kind of wrap that keeps your bag covered and protects it against any detachment accidents.
3. The Pelican ModaVi bag (my bag of choice) actually has a nifty little feature that allows you to tuck the main body of the bag up and out of the way for intimacy; this is a brilliant idea and really makes a difference if you prefer a more natural approach.
4. Talk to your partner. Being open and honest can be the best approach to overcoming any doubts and fears. Both of you might be nervous but please don’t overthink it and not bother to try; see what works for you and that’s what matters.
Another piece of advice I would give is that intimacy doesn’t always have to mean sex. Sometimes a kiss and a big “cwtch”, (as we say in Wales) can show your feelings in a just as meaningful way. Bear in mind, there also might be other factors that might be hindering your sex life and there should never be any blame given to either of you. My wife was going through the menopause a few years after my operation and she will tell you quite honestly that her libido was definitely affected and it was her hormonal changes, not my stoma, that made love making less appealing! That’s life – things change, circumstances change, our bodies change but when you really love your partner, that’s something that can live for ever no matter what.